Waiting for Grace

{my current state}

Over the past few months I feel like I've had a lot to say, and not enough time or words to articulate my thoughts in a way I'm ever happy with. Am I too perfectionist? Yes, undoubtedly.  Do I procrastinate too much? Yes, a lot.  Am I too busy?  I struggle with knowing if I'm too busy or too disorganised (& I feel if I'm often too busy/don't have enough space to write - even in my paper journals or in my prayer book  - but I also know if I were more organised and tidy then I'd have more free time.)
&it seems that so much has happened  & I've thought about so many things I'd like to write about and have the opinions/thoughts of my wise and compassionate friends that I'll never explain it all or catch up.  That too is a myth,  self-defeating thoughts. It doesn't matter, do what you can, don't worry about catching up, just start where you are.
So. Where am I?
Sometimes I don't really know.  At the moment I am on holiday. I have a new nearly full time job working as autism support 1:1 in a wonderful lower school not very far away from where I live.
I was hoping to take bank shifts at the adult supported living unit I used to do the crazy shifts at - but there is little bank work. I am not worried - although I don't get paid in school holidays and could do with the money. I know I need a real break, a chance to rest, to catch up on study, to have time to just be and think.
I also need time to recover as I have labyrinthitis  at the moment. The upside-down vertigo has stopped, but I'm still a little unbalanced and not brave enough to try driving yet.
I have realised, more so than ever in the past few months, that the more busy and stressful life gets the more time I need alone to recharge and to think/be with God.  I've realised that I seem to collect things I need want to do and add to my to-do list that some days I don't even seem to get half way through. This just adds to my  frustration of being too busy and makes me feel stressed.& life is quite stressful for a number of reasons at the moment. Future planning, job prospects/training, money, what J is going to do now his business things haven't worked out? Does he stay in engineering? Does he retrain - as what? All has ever wanted to be is an engineer, now he's not so sure.  Will he need to move away from this area to find work? Will I go with him? Will we live together again before we're married?  How does that work out with church? With God?  What about my commitments to my child at school? I try not to worry, but I don't cope well with constant uncertainty and wondering/fearing if I will have to move again. I feel as if I have just truly made this place my home, and I don't want to leave. Not now. Not in a years time.
I know that God is in control of all things, but still I try to frantically hang on and grab the control back because it's the not-knowing that frustrates me. 
In the past few months I have been doing two Postgraduate level courses.  One a short-course in Child&Adolescent counselling, the first part of the Child&Adolescent Pyschotherapy qualification at Cambridge University Faculty of Education.  I have been in Cambridge every Thursday for the past 10 weeks, learning about other people, about children, about myself.  Growing.  Dealing with things from my past that I came to realise still affect my present, affect the way I relate and react to people.  I want to be free to relate to people in the best way possible, in a way helpful to them not out of a sub-concious reaction or unhelpful ways of relating learnt in the past.  Much of counselling training I've come to realise is letting go - in many ways.
Now I have a 4,000 word case study to write up. First draft due 6th Jan, so although I am on holiday I have a lot of study I need to complete.
I am also taking a formal qualification in applied behavioural analysis &positive behavioural support, otherwise known simply as  ABA therapy.  It is a behavioural therapy that is used mainly with people who have an intellectual disability.  It is especially effective and helpful to young children on the autistic spectrum. It requires a lot of intensive therapy and a lot of work on theri part to engage with the therapy and overcome the many, many difficulties their autism can bring, but the benefits can be amazing.
The study is hard, and I find it hard planning and making sure that I have enough time to study and  then to switch off in the evenings.  I hope to take the full qualifying BCABA exam once I finish the course in May, which will mean I will be able to introduce and set up/supervise many ABA programmes for families, or work in the ABA schools that are increasingly being set up here in the UK to provide a better education/way of learning for children with autism.
Generally, the courses, along with changing jobs and at one point having three overlapping jobs has made me crazy-busy.  &I don't seem to handle crazy-busy so well. I need a lot of time-out to recover from demanding jobs and situations.  I am also still working with Ellie (a six year old with down's syndrome) so two days a week after school I go to Ellie and we work on play therapy, stories and going on breaks/activities outside the home.  Now things are calmer, and I have a stable routine I hope that I will feel less hassled and busy. Remember how to just *be*.

Does this explain where I am? No. It mostly explains what I do.
&we are not human - doings.
Where am I?
I am struggling sometimes. Not just with the busy-ness but with my reaction to stress, and realising that there are some things in the past I have not dealt with / let God deal with as much as I hoped I had.  Not always a easy thing to admit to - but the dealing is necessary. Although sometimes I don't like it. At all.
Wrestling with questions with God, questions about am I doing /have I been doing what God wants me to do in certain areas of my life? Learning that I have to talk again. Learn to be open and vulnerable with people again.  Somewhere along the line I stopped being. I went into myself and hid.
Now I feel as if I'm learning to be me.
& waiting.  Waiting for things to become clearer. Waiting for the future.  Waiting for understanding. Waiting for many things.
Mainly?
I think I'm waiting for Grace.

'some of us count blessings/some of us want more/some of us are zealous/some of us not sure...we wait in this place/between the vale of circumstance/waiting for grace'  Martyn Joseph.