Grace for you & me

'God entered into our world not with the crushing impact of unbearable glory, but in the way of weakness, vulnerability and need. On a wintry night in an obscure cave, the infant Jesus was a humble, naked, helpless God who allowed us to get close to him.'
::Brennan Manning, Shipwrecked at the Stable::

Mary

God entered into our world
not with the crushing impact
of unbearable glory,
but in the way of weakness,
...vulnerability and need.

{Brennan Manning}

I read this today whils also thinking about Mary today, inspired by Rachel at go placidly .  It amazes me that God came himself in the form of a baby into our darkness. Absolutely dependent on a (probably) still scared and probably) still socially outcast girl and the goodwill/faith of her husband.
Mary - giving birth far away from her home - far away from the relatives who would have helped her through the first birth, the pain, reassured her.  Did she have Joseph's relatives helping? Was she lonely, did the relatives know the circumstances of the birth and Joseph's 'kindness' to Mary? Did Joseph's extended family think the child was Joseph's or another man's? Were the couple in disgrace for breaking the traditions of betrothal  - did Joseph take on the shame of having broken the vows and tradition and let his family assume that he was the father rather than shame Mary - let people assume he had broken his vows and God's law in not waiting for marriage to make love to Mary?
Were they in the room with the animals as an act of kindess - a crowded family room would be no place to give birth. The room with the animals (most likely not a stable or a cave, but the downstairs room of the house where the animals were bought in for the night) being a warm, quiet and private place for Mary to give birth - the only place they had. Or were they simply permitted to be in the house but not with the family - in shame but a small kindness to a young couple, still family? After all. They couldn't turn Mary away about to give birth. Did the families receive Jesus with joy, or was his birth a shameful thing to be forgotten ?

All the while, Mary understanding something amazing was happening and still struggling to understand that she really did carry the Messiah. That the Messiah realy was God. And all that this would mean for her, for Jospeh and for the world. Already facing disbelief from those around her. Strange things happening. Shepherds talking of Angels. Magi from the East with strange gifts. What does it all mean, for a young girl and her small child?

&into these lives, messy and uncertain, God came. Dependent on two rural teenagers living in stormy political and religious times. A small, helpless baby needing everything, able to give nothing.

God as a tiny baby.
&when I try to think of how incredible this is, that God gave up all his glory all his power and risked so very much in becoming human, Emmanuel - God with us - (God AS us) with one express purpose: to draw us near to Him in a way that no awesome show of power would or ever could - I don't think I can understand it.

The more I think about it, the more I feel like Mary, pondering all these things in her heart, how many things did she keep in her heart and mind throughout the years, wondering as she watched her son grow? Wondering as her baby grew into a child, began to be mischievous, grew through the years, was it really true? Could this boy-carpenter be the Messiah? Be her God? Was it just a fairytale? Is it really true? Did God come to earth weak and vulnerable as a baby, a child, a teenager, finally a man?

&yes. It is true. Once I would have said 'no,don't be ridiculous.'
Now my heart knows.
&still. It amazes me. I still do not understand.
&that is the mystery of christmas and the magic.
God gave up his otherness to be among us and to bring us to him for all time.  &he truly became one of us, in all of life's struggles and messyness and vulnerability.
Light and love came down into our darkess. 

Waiting for Grace

{my current state}

Over the past few months I feel like I've had a lot to say, and not enough time or words to articulate my thoughts in a way I'm ever happy with. Am I too perfectionist? Yes, undoubtedly.  Do I procrastinate too much? Yes, a lot.  Am I too busy?  I struggle with knowing if I'm too busy or too disorganised (& I feel if I'm often too busy/don't have enough space to write - even in my paper journals or in my prayer book  - but I also know if I were more organised and tidy then I'd have more free time.)
&it seems that so much has happened  & I've thought about so many things I'd like to write about and have the opinions/thoughts of my wise and compassionate friends that I'll never explain it all or catch up.  That too is a myth,  self-defeating thoughts. It doesn't matter, do what you can, don't worry about catching up, just start where you are.
So. Where am I?
Sometimes I don't really know.  At the moment I am on holiday. I have a new nearly full time job working as autism support 1:1 in a wonderful lower school not very far away from where I live.
I was hoping to take bank shifts at the adult supported living unit I used to do the crazy shifts at - but there is little bank work. I am not worried - although I don't get paid in school holidays and could do with the money. I know I need a real break, a chance to rest, to catch up on study, to have time to just be and think.
I also need time to recover as I have labyrinthitis  at the moment. The upside-down vertigo has stopped, but I'm still a little unbalanced and not brave enough to try driving yet.
I have realised, more so than ever in the past few months, that the more busy and stressful life gets the more time I need alone to recharge and to think/be with God.  I've realised that I seem to collect things I need want to do and add to my to-do list that some days I don't even seem to get half way through. This just adds to my  frustration of being too busy and makes me feel stressed.& life is quite stressful for a number of reasons at the moment. Future planning, job prospects/training, money, what J is going to do now his business things haven't worked out? Does he stay in engineering? Does he retrain - as what? All has ever wanted to be is an engineer, now he's not so sure.  Will he need to move away from this area to find work? Will I go with him? Will we live together again before we're married?  How does that work out with church? With God?  What about my commitments to my child at school? I try not to worry, but I don't cope well with constant uncertainty and wondering/fearing if I will have to move again. I feel as if I have just truly made this place my home, and I don't want to leave. Not now. Not in a years time.
I know that God is in control of all things, but still I try to frantically hang on and grab the control back because it's the not-knowing that frustrates me. 
In the past few months I have been doing two Postgraduate level courses.  One a short-course in Child&Adolescent counselling, the first part of the Child&Adolescent Pyschotherapy qualification at Cambridge University Faculty of Education.  I have been in Cambridge every Thursday for the past 10 weeks, learning about other people, about children, about myself.  Growing.  Dealing with things from my past that I came to realise still affect my present, affect the way I relate and react to people.  I want to be free to relate to people in the best way possible, in a way helpful to them not out of a sub-concious reaction or unhelpful ways of relating learnt in the past.  Much of counselling training I've come to realise is letting go - in many ways.
Now I have a 4,000 word case study to write up. First draft due 6th Jan, so although I am on holiday I have a lot of study I need to complete.
I am also taking a formal qualification in applied behavioural analysis &positive behavioural support, otherwise known simply as  ABA therapy.  It is a behavioural therapy that is used mainly with people who have an intellectual disability.  It is especially effective and helpful to young children on the autistic spectrum. It requires a lot of intensive therapy and a lot of work on theri part to engage with the therapy and overcome the many, many difficulties their autism can bring, but the benefits can be amazing.
The study is hard, and I find it hard planning and making sure that I have enough time to study and  then to switch off in the evenings.  I hope to take the full qualifying BCABA exam once I finish the course in May, which will mean I will be able to introduce and set up/supervise many ABA programmes for families, or work in the ABA schools that are increasingly being set up here in the UK to provide a better education/way of learning for children with autism.
Generally, the courses, along with changing jobs and at one point having three overlapping jobs has made me crazy-busy.  &I don't seem to handle crazy-busy so well. I need a lot of time-out to recover from demanding jobs and situations.  I am also still working with Ellie (a six year old with down's syndrome) so two days a week after school I go to Ellie and we work on play therapy, stories and going on breaks/activities outside the home.  Now things are calmer, and I have a stable routine I hope that I will feel less hassled and busy. Remember how to just *be*.

Does this explain where I am? No. It mostly explains what I do.
&we are not human - doings.
Where am I?
I am struggling sometimes. Not just with the busy-ness but with my reaction to stress, and realising that there are some things in the past I have not dealt with / let God deal with as much as I hoped I had.  Not always a easy thing to admit to - but the dealing is necessary. Although sometimes I don't like it. At all.
Wrestling with questions with God, questions about am I doing /have I been doing what God wants me to do in certain areas of my life? Learning that I have to talk again. Learn to be open and vulnerable with people again.  Somewhere along the line I stopped being. I went into myself and hid.
Now I feel as if I'm learning to be me.
& waiting.  Waiting for things to become clearer. Waiting for the future.  Waiting for understanding. Waiting for many things.
Mainly?
I think I'm waiting for Grace.

'some of us count blessings/some of us want more/some of us are zealous/some of us not sure...we wait in this place/between the vale of circumstance/waiting for grace'  Martyn Joseph.

hey lovely lady, blogland is lonely without you and your writing please say hello more, love your blogger friends xxx

dear world

i'm very sorry i don't update much. since leaving my account temporarily unatyended i've learnt the error of my ways nd will be in touch much more.

A new week, a new beginning....

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”



Sometimes I find this hard to comprehend. Other days, like today, it speaks to a part of my heart that knows it to be true. I am not inadequate, that is a lie. The lie holds us back, it's meant to. We are children of God, we can do what seems impossible, our light cannot be hidden. (Though we may try.)
&it's a challenge, to oh so many things. To not play small, to not let the world tell me it's safer/easier/normal/more comfortable to play small. To shine God's glory, to shine His love.
Some challenges are more specific, some are just taking shape.
What are your challenges to serve the world, to shine? Where are you tempted to play small, where do you want to shine?

Wonder-Woman Wednesdays

I have so many things that I need to get through today, my day off at home. (Some essential, some for the sake of cleanliness and harmony and peace of mind for the rest of the busy week.) I don't think I'll get through everything but a list always helps.  Hopefully going back to public to-do lists will keep me motivated. It's wonder-woman wednesday (and this wonder-woman would quite like to go back to bed, stay still and knit. Oh dear.)

Here goes:

Write note to Elders of church, send someone to check over
Open Pat's Greenhouse and water her garden as she's away 
Pull Pat's milk out to defrost
put bread in bread maker to give to 1/2 to pat coming back from holiday and 1/2 to Laura at cell - 
fail! Switched on machine, left bread pan (with mix in) on the side, came back into the kitchen to find it smoking. oh.dear. shall we try that one again? (whimpers, please be okay bread machine)done!
Hoover stairs
Dust lounge & piano
sweep porch
Hoover hall
Wash up
Make stew in slow cooker
make rice pudding or fruit crumble (maybe both)
Get parcel ready
Go to-co-op to buy stuff for baking
get birthday card for Matt
Post parcel    All fallen victim of the dead car battery
Make biscuits and other baked goods for cell group - Brownies?    Vanilla cupcakes
Plant potatoes
Water my plants
find out how to save dying orchid
Plant herbs
Plant tomatoes
find quotes for car service - two requests sent 
buy touch up paint for car stone chips
find out what time Pat needs picking up 
pick Pat up from train station this evening   had to have help & a lift - car battery as dead as a dodo
remember to give her bread 
bring cherry tree and apple tree back down from Pats - delayed until Monday due to sick Cherry tree!
change bed
dust room
clean bath
have shower / pamper feet (keep bath clean)
file nails
email supervisor
phone Grandma
Phone Mum
music practise at 6:30pm - thwarted by dead car
Cell social at 8pm - remember to take baking
Give laura bread
Bible Study
check on Tricia
find out number of someone from church promised to text
text her

email Mike&Wendy
Laundry
Hand-washing
Iron some things so I have clothes to wear for going away on the weekend.
Find some craft bits for Scrapbooking demo at church
Clear out car from kid-chaos
Find out Angela's new address email sent
email baklava recipe to someone from church/find their email address
email/print claiming back bank charges for someone at cell group
order missing connector for hearing aid monitor
fill in and send incidental mileage form for breaks
figure out why payslip has less hours than I recorded and more expenses!- email sent to offiice, none the wiser yet though!
email head office about getting letter confirming my training
pay council tax?
remember to take anti-inflammatories every 4 hours 5/6 


anyone else feeling tired after that?

It's oh so quiet.....

 

{sunset over Snettisham Nature Reserve, Norfolk}

Firstly: has anyone else seen glorious sunsets the last few days, thanks to the volcanic ash in the atmosphere? We've had some beautiful and intensely coloured sunsets for this time of year in the East of England. It reminded me of the wonderful sunsets we used to watch over the wash when we lived in Norfolk. Alas, no sea here. We have also been enjoying the peace of no planes stacking or coming into land.   I hope you have had the chance to be still and watch the sun in all it's glory this weekend. Spring and the sunsets have made me so glad to live with such beauty. I feel that as long as I can still see the beauty, stand still and watch the sunset, or the moon rise that life will always have joy in it, whatever else happens.

Secondly:  I am aware of the time, and I haven't broken out in vampish tendencies (any more than usual).

I should be soundly asleep, especially as I'm starting training for my new job tomorrow. Frustratingly my pelvic infection (thanks surgery & mirena coil) is not clearing up as quickly as my doctors would like. Today it has been very painful (possibly due to the prodding this morning) and I am back on four-hourly antibiotics and painkillers.  At the moment I am in too much pain to sleep, so I have been listening to Enya and  waiting for some codiene to take effect.  The doctor thinks that my excruciating pain has  been  due to cysts bursting.  Thankfully, I have an appointment for Wednesday morning to attempt removal of the mirena IUS, and I stand a chance of things being calm enough for it to be successful. It wasn't this morning, so I have more antibiotics and more anti-inflammatories.

I'm technically signed off work for the week, but I can't face phoning into a new employer ill on my first day. As it's only theory-based training and sitting still for five hours I am going to do my best to go and stay for the whole session. I also need to start doing *something* more than sitting still all day.  I''m not on the rota for any more training this week, so maybe I can negotiate that I start very slowly until I'm back at full strength. As for my other job, I think I shall just have to see what happens Wednesday morning. I may need to be seen at the hospital if the mirena is imbedded or playing hard to get. If that happens I will not be in any state to look after myself, let alone my special children.

Apart from a crash course in gynaecology, I have been doing many things (and yes,  a few I shouldn't have been)  Planning, dreaming, organising,making lists, and more lists  mainly. More on that later. 

But for now, a question.  What do you want to have achieved in six months time? Something practical? Something spiritual/emotional? What is your heart's desire for the coming months?

 

There is always another story....

Why are first posts always so hard to write?

This is hardly my first blog post, I've been on blogger for a long, long time (before it was ever blogger, or anything to do with google): and as such have failed dismally to import my older blog here as I'm utterly locked out. No matter. Sometimes it's time to start again.
I'm a very different person than I was ten years ago (ten!) when I first started writing on the internet, it's time to start a new page in my story.

Lately I've been finding it hard to write. Online yes, but also on paper. I don't know why it has been so hard, writing had always been my lifeline but the words did not come. Even music sounded hollow to me at times. I set up the blog to start writing at the beginning of this year, but still the words didn't come. It was still winter.

Now I feel as if I'm waking up from a long sleep, waking up with the spring. The things I thought I'd lost are re-awakening.

Perhaps it's the spring, perhaps it's having a wonderful weekend with close friends filled with laughter and love, but the ice has melted and the words are free to flow now.
Here's to new beginnings, and here's to W.H.Auden.

At last the secret is out,
as it always must come in the end,
the delicious story is ripe to tell
to tell to the intimate friend;
over the tea-cups and into the square
the tongues has its desire;
still waters run deep, my dear,
there’s never smoke without fire.

Behind the corpse in the reservoir,
behind the ghost on the links,
behind the lady who dances
and the man who madly drinks,
under the look of fatigue
the attack of migraine and the sigh
there is always another story,
there is more than meets the eye.

For the clear voice suddenly singing,
high up in the convent wall,
the scent of the elder bushes,
the sporting prints in the hall,
the croquet matches in summer,
the handshake, the cough, the kiss,
there is always a wicked secret,
a private reason for this.