'God entered into our world not with the crushing impact of unbearable glory, but in the way of weakness, vulnerability and need. On a wintry night in an obscure cave, the infant Jesus was a humble, naked, helpless God who allowed us to get close to him.'
::Brennan Manning, Shipwrecked at the Stable::
Sunday 26 December 2010
Thursday 23 December 2010
Mary
God entered into our world
not with the crushing impact
of unbearable glory,
but in the way of weakness,
...vulnerability and need.
{Brennan Manning}
not with the crushing impact
of unbearable glory,
but in the way of weakness,
...vulnerability and need.
{Brennan Manning}
I read this today whils also thinking about Mary today, inspired by Rachel at go placidly . It amazes me that God came himself in the form of a baby into our darkness. Absolutely dependent on a (probably) still scared and probably) still socially outcast girl and the goodwill/faith of her husband.
Mary - giving birth far away from her home - far away from the relatives who would have helped her through the first birth, the pain, reassured her. Did she have Joseph's relatives helping? Was she lonely, did the relatives know the circumstances of the birth and Joseph's 'kindness' to Mary? Did Joseph's extended family think the child was Joseph's or another man's? Were the couple in disgrace for breaking the traditions of betrothal - did Joseph take on the shame of having broken the vows and tradition and let his family assume that he was the father rather than shame Mary - let people assume he had broken his vows and God's law in not waiting for marriage to make love to Mary?
Were they in the room with the animals as an act of kindess - a crowded family room would be no place to give birth. The room with the animals (most likely not a stable or a cave, but the downstairs room of the house where the animals were bought in for the night) being a warm, quiet and private place for Mary to give birth - the only place they had. Or were they simply permitted to be in the house but not with the family - in shame but a small kindness to a young couple, still family? After all. They couldn't turn Mary away about to give birth. Did the families receive Jesus with joy, or was his birth a shameful thing to be forgotten ?
All the while, Mary understanding something amazing was happening and still struggling to understand that she really did carry the Messiah. That the Messiah realy was God. And all that this would mean for her, for Jospeh and for the world. Already facing disbelief from those around her. Strange things happening. Shepherds talking of Angels. Magi from the East with strange gifts. What does it all mean, for a young girl and her small child?
&into these lives, messy and uncertain, God came. Dependent on two rural teenagers living in stormy political and religious times. A small, helpless baby needing everything, able to give nothing.
God as a tiny baby.
&when I try to think of how incredible this is, that God gave up all his glory all his power and risked so very much in becoming human, Emmanuel - God with us - (God AS us) with one express purpose: to draw us near to Him in a way that no awesome show of power would or ever could - I don't think I can understand it.
The more I think about it, the more I feel like Mary, pondering all these things in her heart, how many things did she keep in her heart and mind throughout the years, wondering as she watched her son grow? Wondering as her baby grew into a child, began to be mischievous, grew through the years, was it really true? Could this boy-carpenter be the Messiah? Be her God? Was it just a fairytale? Is it really true? Did God come to earth weak and vulnerable as a baby, a child, a teenager, finally a man?
&yes. It is true. Once I would have said 'no,don't be ridiculous.'
Now my heart knows.
&still. It amazes me. I still do not understand.
&that is the mystery of christmas and the magic.
God gave up his otherness to be among us and to bring us to him for all time. &he truly became one of us, in all of life's struggles and messyness and vulnerability.
Light and love came down into our darkess.
Mary - giving birth far away from her home - far away from the relatives who would have helped her through the first birth, the pain, reassured her. Did she have Joseph's relatives helping? Was she lonely, did the relatives know the circumstances of the birth and Joseph's 'kindness' to Mary? Did Joseph's extended family think the child was Joseph's or another man's? Were the couple in disgrace for breaking the traditions of betrothal - did Joseph take on the shame of having broken the vows and tradition and let his family assume that he was the father rather than shame Mary - let people assume he had broken his vows and God's law in not waiting for marriage to make love to Mary?
Were they in the room with the animals as an act of kindess - a crowded family room would be no place to give birth. The room with the animals (most likely not a stable or a cave, but the downstairs room of the house where the animals were bought in for the night) being a warm, quiet and private place for Mary to give birth - the only place they had. Or were they simply permitted to be in the house but not with the family - in shame but a small kindness to a young couple, still family? After all. They couldn't turn Mary away about to give birth. Did the families receive Jesus with joy, or was his birth a shameful thing to be forgotten ?
All the while, Mary understanding something amazing was happening and still struggling to understand that she really did carry the Messiah. That the Messiah realy was God. And all that this would mean for her, for Jospeh and for the world. Already facing disbelief from those around her. Strange things happening. Shepherds talking of Angels. Magi from the East with strange gifts. What does it all mean, for a young girl and her small child?
&into these lives, messy and uncertain, God came. Dependent on two rural teenagers living in stormy political and religious times. A small, helpless baby needing everything, able to give nothing.
God as a tiny baby.
&when I try to think of how incredible this is, that God gave up all his glory all his power and risked so very much in becoming human, Emmanuel - God with us - (God AS us) with one express purpose: to draw us near to Him in a way that no awesome show of power would or ever could - I don't think I can understand it.
The more I think about it, the more I feel like Mary, pondering all these things in her heart, how many things did she keep in her heart and mind throughout the years, wondering as she watched her son grow? Wondering as her baby grew into a child, began to be mischievous, grew through the years, was it really true? Could this boy-carpenter be the Messiah? Be her God? Was it just a fairytale? Is it really true? Did God come to earth weak and vulnerable as a baby, a child, a teenager, finally a man?
&yes. It is true. Once I would have said 'no,don't be ridiculous.'
Now my heart knows.
&still. It amazes me. I still do not understand.
&that is the mystery of christmas and the magic.
God gave up his otherness to be among us and to bring us to him for all time. &he truly became one of us, in all of life's struggles and messyness and vulnerability.
Light and love came down into our darkess.
Wednesday 22 December 2010
Waiting for Grace
{my current state}
Over the past few months I feel like I've had a lot to say, and not enough time or words to articulate my thoughts in a way I'm ever happy with. Am I too perfectionist? Yes, undoubtedly. Do I procrastinate too much? Yes, a lot. Am I too busy? I struggle with knowing if I'm too busy or too disorganised (& I feel if I'm often too busy/don't have enough space to write - even in my paper journals or in my prayer book - but I also know if I were more organised and tidy then I'd have more free time.)
&it seems that so much has happened & I've thought about so many things I'd like to write about and have the opinions/thoughts of my wise and compassionate friends that I'll never explain it all or catch up. That too is a myth, self-defeating thoughts. It doesn't matter, do what you can, don't worry about catching up, just start where you are.
So. Where am I?
Sometimes I don't really know. At the moment I am on holiday. I have a new nearly full time job working as autism support 1:1 in a wonderful lower school not very far away from where I live.
I was hoping to take bank shifts at the adult supported living unit I used to do the crazy shifts at - but there is little bank work. I am not worried - although I don't get paid in school holidays and could do with the money. I know I need a real break, a chance to rest, to catch up on study, to have time to just be and think.
I also need time to recover as I have labyrinthitis at the moment. The upside-down vertigo has stopped, but I'm still a little unbalanced and not brave enough to try driving yet.
I have realised, more so than ever in the past few months, that the more busy and stressful life gets the more time I need alone to recharge and to think/be with God. I've realised that I seem to collect things I
I know that God is in control of all things, but still I try to frantically hang on and grab the control back because it's the not-knowing that frustrates me.
In the past few months I have been doing two Postgraduate level courses. One a short-course in Child&Adolescent counselling, the first part of the Child&Adolescent Pyschotherapy qualification at Cambridge University Faculty of Education. I have been in Cambridge every Thursday for the past 10 weeks, learning about other people, about children, about myself. Growing. Dealing with things from my past that I came to realise still affect my present, affect the way I relate and react to people. I want to be free to relate to people in the best way possible, in a way helpful to them not out of a sub-concious reaction or unhelpful ways of relating learnt in the past. Much of counselling training I've come to realise is letting go - in many ways.
Now I have a 4,000 word case study to write up. First draft due 6th Jan, so although I am on holiday I have a lot of study I need to complete.
I am also taking a formal qualification in applied behavioural analysis &positive behavioural support, otherwise known simply as ABA therapy. It is a behavioural therapy that is used mainly with people who have an intellectual disability. It is especially effective and helpful to young children on the autistic spectrum. It requires a lot of intensive therapy and a lot of work on theri part to engage with the therapy and overcome the many, many difficulties their autism can bring, but the benefits can be amazing.
The study is hard, and I find it hard planning and making sure that I have enough time to study and then to switch off in the evenings. I hope to take the full qualifying BCABA exam once I finish the course in May, which will mean I will be able to introduce and set up/supervise many ABA programmes for families, or work in the ABA schools that are increasingly being set up here in the UK to provide a better education/way of learning for children with autism.
Generally, the courses, along with changing jobs and at one point having three overlapping jobs has made me crazy-busy. &I don't seem to handle crazy-busy so well. I need a lot of time-out to recover from demanding jobs and situations. I am also still working with Ellie (a six year old with down's syndrome) so two days a week after school I go to Ellie and we work on play therapy, stories and going on breaks/activities outside the home. Now things are calmer, and I have a stable routine I hope that I will feel less hassled and busy. Remember how to just *be*.
Does this explain where I am? No. It mostly explains what I do.
&we are not human - doings.
Where am I?
I am struggling sometimes. Not just with the busy-ness but with my reaction to stress, and realising that there are some things in the past I have not dealt with / let God deal with as much as I hoped I had. Not always a easy thing to admit to - but the dealing is necessary. Although sometimes I don't like it. At all.
Wrestling with questions with God, questions about am I doing /have I been doing what God wants me to do in certain areas of my life? Learning that I have to talk again. Learn to be open and vulnerable with people again. Somewhere along the line I stopped being. I went into myself and hid.
Now I feel as if I'm learning to be me.
& waiting. Waiting for things to become clearer. Waiting for the future. Waiting for understanding. Waiting for many things.
Mainly?
I think I'm waiting for Grace.
'some of us count blessings/some of us want more/some of us are zealous/some of us not sure...we wait in this place/between the vale of circumstance/waiting for grace' Martyn Joseph.
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